arcadia28: 4 (angry)
i've having troubles with buck. basically this week, i've been v mooky coz ive been worried about the hospital appointment and because of just living here, which is normal. and i thought buck would come down and cheer me up, like he normally does. but thoughtout the days he was down, he kept moaning, and stressing, and just being not nice. its like he got really aggressive in the woking car park when i wouldnt ask some couple if they were leaving or not. but i wouldnt coz i could already tell they were. and he got really agressive about it. then like last night he moaned that i don't ask ppl in shops for things i cant find that i want. i dont do things myself. which made me feel lousy. coz i cant help it. i dont like being outside at the best of times, coz im trying to battle my agorphobia ive got. and i'm not used to being outside and out amongst ppl i dont know. and then he said last night i've changed since he met me. i was more happy and upbeat and lively. but the thing was, i had just left a really bad relationship where i was pretty much shitted on all the time. and it was my first bit of freedom in years. *cries* i could go out and go on dates. i didnt have any ties or anything. and then i met buck and i fell madly in love with him. but now....i love him alot. but....i don't wanna be in another relationship where i feel shit all the time. it's like i hardly see him. and i'm just tired of long distant realtionships. i thought it would be better because he has a car, so we could see each other alot. but we don't. which i know isn't his fault. i just am starting to feel maybe i'm not good enough for him. but...i don't know what to do. i wanna go back to the girl buck fell for, when we were dating. where are my friends when i need them?

p.s. i'm tired of lying just to keep ppl happy, and ok. i just wanna be me. i try my best when it comes to other ppl, but it never works it seems.

i know not to run away from problems. and i know couple go through problems and stuff. and its a aprt of growing and stuff in the relationship. i guess we see how these months go till the end of the year. then see how it goes basically. i'm not gonna make the same mistake twice.

EDIT: i've talked to ppl and they all agree it sounds like i'm in a v dark place, myself. and its affecting those around me. so i'm going to brighton soon, for a break away. for a few days. just need a lil space at the moment, and sweetie if you're reading this, please dont get meepy. it's just a load of shit in my head. and i needed to write it down. i just wanna get better. none of this is your fault. and i'm sorry ive made you feel crappy lately with my weirdness.


arcadia28: 4 (Default)

November 2012

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