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Ive still got writers block lol erm, i helped ben write his work presentation. He also treated me to a bath, by which he decorated the bathroom in candles and put a pink blanket across the window to create a subtle glow, it was really nice and very relaxing, it was very difficult to get me out of there lol. It did really help my mood though. And ive come to reflect of my struggle at the mo with the depressing view of my future. I have come to realise that though my condition and circumstances may never change, the benefit system does. I live in hope that something will turn up to change my life for the better and help me live a better future than i forsee for myself at the moment.

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Feb. 26th, 2012 04:51 pm
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Bens wing mirror has been nicked. Its official - i hate this area! To think that someone has done that, to take from someone, just because you want to or think its funny is frankly disgusting! Im seeing the positive though, this must be a sign of better things to come. Its always darkest before the dawn.

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I have decided that i will only marry once in my life and if i lose my husband either through divorce or death, i would then only date casually unless of course i find someone truely fantastic, but they would definently HAVE TO be truly fantastic.

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Just got woken up a couple of hours ago by my neighbour informing me that someone was trying to nick bens bike, unfortuently for them its heavily armed :) and extremely heavy. They tried to break into my shed too, was locked so didn't work, hasn't got much in it besides a push bike. Little shits! Ben went and talked to the neighbour, i put my steel toe capped work boots on and went thudding down the stairs, ready to kick some shit! There wasn't anyone there when we got outside, which was a good thing :) and there wasn't anything missing or damaged, we guessed the musta went in there to drink, do drugs and have a piss and there were 6 of them that were in there apparently. Ugh, my hometown is only small and sleepy, just we still have stuff like this going on. I don't live in some grotty council estate, i live in a nice council estate so wth??!!

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WARNING: this entry may upset if offend some people.

Let me begin with a snippet from my past, i was in an abusive relationship at the age of 17/18 and it lasted for 9 months. I was abused mentally and sexually. This was with my first boyfriend.

Ive had boyfriend after boyfriend who have treated me wrong in one way or another and it has defiantly taken its toll on me.

In the near 9 years of dating i have only had 2 boyfriends who have treated me correctly and nicely. One of which I'm still with, thankfully :)

Unfortuently i still hold many scars from those toxic relationships, and of which i have developed a coping mechanism to protect myself from others who could hurt me and make me feel they way i did back then. Its hard to believe people when they're being honestly nice and don't want to hurt you in any way, because even the people who do hurt you always tell the don't want to and wont ever hurt you.

I cried today when i told ben all this, and his reply was 'you gotta start seeing and believing the good in some people, otherwise they've won, those bad people have won'.

He was right and spot on and i sobbed "how can you tell the difference between someone fucking with your head and someone who isn't". Its all I've ever known.

Ben is a good person, that i have come to have trust in. But at the same time theres always that thought in the back of my head that it cant be real, he's not true. That he will do something.

I believe one day these scars will start to disappear, but for the moment these scars are very deep and very prominent in me.

Is it too late

Nothing to salvage
You look away
Clear all the damage
arcadia28: 4 (Default)

Feeling a lot better today :)

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arcadia28: 4 (Default)

Can you believe it?!! I've got flu on valentines day - my favourite holiday and i get sick. But, ben, bless him took the day off and has been looking after me so well. He got me a lovely card and got a card from our pets too lol and we're picking out a pressie for me when I'm better as its something kinky and he didn't know my tastes and measurements. Last time i got a corset and it didn't fit me right, gorgeous and expensive but painful to wear lol. He said he couldn't do his original idea for a couple of reasons but I'm not allowed to know what it was and that it may happen on my bday in april instead. Points for guessing what that may be :p he liked my lil pressie of some hand-warmers with woolly covers over them for him to ise at work and a little choc racing car with a heart choccy in it, which he gave to me. He gave me a gently cuddle and kiss on the forehead and wished me a happy valentines. We were supposed to go to the science museum in london today for it, as we're both very geeky lol but being bedridden and smelling of vicks and olbas oil it flopped :( but he said when I'm better we'll go when he's got a day off :) i do love my ben. :D

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Don't laugh at me

Don't look away

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I had a dream the other day that i got a tattoo, it was a strange but rather awesome one. It had a planet in the middle and a black ring encircling it widely with a big black dot on one point of the ring. Like an atom. It was 3/4 on my chest and 1/4 on my neck. So it was rather big, but it looked rather kool. Though i remember in my dream i complained that it was a little too big. And it made me want to get another tattoo :)

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arcadia28: 4 (3)

I had an email from a lady whose son has the same rare disability as me and the things she wrote in praise for my positivity on how I live my life with much adversity really touched me deeply. It has made me really want to write a story about someone with this condition and a way to overcome setbacks and roadblocks in life. as pretentious as this might sound I want the story to reach out to others in the same situation, to not give up to inspire them to fight to live a life to be proud of. I can't describe the emotion I feel right now, but its definently not something to be ignored. never felt like this before. its a good feeling though.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

Day 2

Feb. 2nd, 2012 07:56 pm
arcadia28: 4 (Default)

And in in bed. 8pm and im in bed with a migraine. I tried making a nice chicken casserole today and it turned out horrible, it was so utterly bland, so i wont be cooking that again. So not a great second day of dieting. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

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