arcadia28: 4 (Default)

I am finding it hard not to lose my temper with things arm :/

I know its a hormone thing, but still, its hard controlling it.

For example, today when out feeding the ducks with ben, this group of asian teenagers came and started chasing the swans around and kicked a duck up the bum, laughing a stupid laugh. A real moronic laugh!

So ben yelled "oi" at him and i nearly went ballistic, i called them dickheads and gave them evils, i had to stop myself from marching over to them and having a real go at them. Yeh, ok, they probably wouldn't have understood what i said, but i think they would get the tone and manner, not to mention the enfatic gesturing i would've made. You know what, i should've done it.

It made so angry because the ducks, geese and swans who flock to that park are very good natured and trusting. A lot of people come to the park to feed them. And theres a family of geese who currently go there each day to be fed, they have 4 little baby chicks with them and i worry for the father with people like those guys as if the father goose feels like his family are being threatened he chases the threat away by hissing and charging. The family have come to trust me and ben and come and huddle by us to be fed.

Just makes me so angry because people like that spoils it. We all have fond childhood memories of feeding the ducks as kids. I know i do. But the birds are not going to come to be fed if people like that keep on mistreating them.

Fucking retards! Hate them, hate them, hate them!!!!!

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arcadia28: 4 (Default)

Ok, so, interesting.

Ben told me that when we first started going out i used to be on the pill. My memory is so bad i dont remember these things :/

But when thinking back, the times i didnt have problems with sex - i was on the pill. The times i did have problems - i wasnt on the pill.

This is quite promising! :)

I hate nights, they make me overthink and obsess over things :/

All my worst life decisions have been in made in the dark. Ugh!

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arcadia28: 4 (1)

The clocks went back yesterday, i believe. And it's fooked up my sleep pattern, despite taking the meds. So i'm going to have to come off of it and let the pattern roll. Oh the joy. 

I hate it when this happens as i get so isolated, and i hate being awake at night :( it's too quiet and so dark. It's like, you look at the window and just see a bunch of dark or it's bleached with yellow from the streetlamps. 

I just hope it cycles round to 'the norm' in time for sunday. :/

The only time I think of you
Is every day and all night through
Whenever I breathe
You're on my mind
Every day and night babe
arcadia28: 4 (1)
Ok, so i've promised you all, that i'd tell you what prompted the purposal and how i did it and what he said :)

Well, firstly he said yes :D

Secondly, i was commenting on [ profile] verdeleaf 's entry, i won't put about the entry, as it was a private thing :) 
But it did make me realise just how much i loved him, and how happy he makes me - just how much better he is compared to the others i've been with. And that simply, our relationship just works. And it's healthy and good, which is something i've never had before. With that, i realised that fuck the protecol, i want to marry this guy. 

So i asked him :)

That simple. 

I got down on one knee and took his hand, told him how happy he makes me and how much i love him and would he marry me.
He broke into a gorgeous smile and told me softly - of course i will, yes!
Kissed and cuddled and it was just a really nice evening afterwards. 

You guys and some of his work colleagues are the only ones who know at the moment, as it's not official until i get the ring and he completes the other part of the proposal. I've also got to speak to his dad. And ben needs to talk to my parents and his mum. So this will be happening next month, which is also the same month as our birthdays :)

arcadia28: 4 (Default)

I proposed to ben, he said "yes, of course i will".

This is all :D

But i still want him to do the official proposal, complete with ring :p because im such a girl and want the fuss lol.

Il update later on what happened and what prompted it, 1 or 2 people may already know how it came about :) hehe.

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arcadia28: 4 (6)


It turns out, getting my freak on was the answer to my problems.

Seriously, dancing around the bedroom to music worked ALOT. Who knew?!

Also the fact ive been organising my travelling britain trip tonight helped. My first place to visit is norwich in norfolk, where i spent two years pretty much living there. I was very happy there and knew a big group of friends. Sadly it didnt last and i stopped going there. I really miss the place and the last few remaining friends who still live there. So thats my first place to go. I think this trip will be good for me. A form of spiritual and emotional healing. Anyone who's visiting or live in england are welcome to join. Find it on facebook, just search for The Big British Trip.
Alternatively if you cant or dont want to join you can still participate in setting challenges or coming up with places to visit :) so its one big fun thing.

I just kinda think, its gonna be incredible and most likely the last holiday il have for the rest of my life before committing myself to a life of dependancy and indignation. One last hoo-rah. I'm changing a lot of things, my hair, my style, getting a tattoo, etc. So yeh, ive hit rock bottom, but its also given me a chance to build myself back up, to adapt to the changes to work into the type of person i need to be. This is my big change that will carry me through the rest of my life. It feels like this is the end, but also the beginning.

Bye bye old life, you served me so well. Its been nuts and crazy. Theres been many mistakes, regrets and heartache. But theres also been some epic moments of shear greatness. But ive grown up now and i need to move on to the next stage. Its going to be hard, but i just cannot stay in the past any longer. All my life up to now i have been fighting for independence, with the choice to live my life as i want it. For the past 6 years i had that. Sadly now i have to let that go.

But this what is going to happen, my one last choice - im going to write and get things published, im going to live with ben and get married even if its on a pig farm with just our family there to witness, we're going to try to adopt a kid and we're going to try to live the rest of our lives as happy as we can. And if that fails, then i will pick myself up and come back to this person that i am, right now and used to be. Because im proud of who i am and what i have done with my life and they will never take THAT away from me.

A warning to the people,
The good and the evil,
This is war.

arcadia28: 4 (4)

I got some bad news today

I rung up a disability advisor, well actually 2. They both backed up what i've been told in the past and what i expected recently. 

There is not help for me, for people in the same situation as me.

When me and Ben live together, i would be financially dependent on him. All my independence and dignity has been taken from me. All because i have a disability.

It's funny in a bitter way, when you silence people with the injustice, on the phone. When they're sposed to have all the answers, and then they find that they haven't. You get told that they're really sorry, and that they agree that it is wrong, but they have no power to change the rules they're set. This is such a cliche - but - this is the governments fault.

In a country where we speak about equality and diversity - this stops at disabilities. We live in a dictarship, where people like i are dictating on how we live our lives. 

What bites is that i see people with dreams that they can achieve, if they just set their mind to it. I see people falling in love, living together, getting married, having children. I see people learning to drive, and passing driving tests and getting their first cars. 

I feel that i am standing in front of a door in a very long corridor, and i can't turn round to go back, i need to open the door. Then i find out it's locked and i don't have the key. 

What do you do?

You do the impossible, you make a new door, you punch a hole in the wall and climb through.

I will not let this get the better of me. I will not let this stop me from living a life.

I don't want to let this 'kill' me.

This is my list on a new life i am designing for myself. I am going to do the things that limit other people.

1. Get on tv
2. i'm going to go on a spontaneous journey around britain. Going from hotel to hotel, taking photos.
3. I'm going to get a tattoo - on my face
4. I'm going to dye my hair crazy colours

I need help, what else can i put on my list?

Just take the hand that’s offered
And hold on tight
This isn’t everything you are


Mar. 14th, 2012 09:34 am
arcadia28: 4 (3)

I hadn't had my phone on for a few days due to the battery running out and i just keep forgetting to charge it. So i charged it up this morning and turned it on and i got a couple of interesting voicemails. One from the bbc asking for me to complete the application, which i already did, so i've emailed them and just got an automated response the same as last time, so they left a number i'll give it a call later :)

The second message was from the local police about the email i sent them a couple of weeks ago, they want me to contact them about the group of boys that keep on hanging around. 

Boy, the way you blowing up my phone
Won't make me leave no faster
Put my coat on faster
Leave my girls no faster
I should've left my phone at home
'Cause this is a disaster
Calling like a collector
Sorry, I cannot answer
arcadia28: 4 (2)

I have had a bit of liberation tonight. I was asked to write an article for a new website being built, about different fetishes. Now because growing up i had trouble sleeping must nights ive kinda grown up with watching dodgy kinky sex shows on late night channel 4. Of such i have extensive knowledge on the land of kink lol. So upon writing the article earlier i decided once and for all to face facts and come out finally of being a techo-sexual. Yep my kink is machines and robots. It has been for a long time now and ive kept it hidden because its not the 'norm', but today whilst writing about different fetishes i felt like the time was right and took the plunge. I know its weird and freaky. And i cant explain why i have this kink, but its definently there. Its my main hot rock! Lol so yeh... Phew.... Heh :) ta-dahhh!

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Mar. 10th, 2012 01:52 am
arcadia28: 4 (4)

It gets worse, the guy is even trying to steal my identity. 

Our stories are near enough the same. Apparently he's had n24 since birth and he used to have a lot of time off from school to sleep. He didn't get diagnosed till his late 20s. 

Me - i've had n24 since birth, my mum distinctly remembers the problems with sleep as a newborn and where the doctors reasurred her that i would grow out of it and that i was just a sleepy baby, nothing to worry about. Of course i didn't grow out of it, it stayed the same and because of school got worse. 

My attendance was in shambles i had social workers galore on my case, trying to get me into school. No one could understand my reluctance, despite me and my mum telling them till we were blue in the face i really struggled with sleeping. We even when to the docs so reguarly, i must of seen every single one in the surgery by the time i was 12. The days i was off sick, i would just sleep.

I didn't get diagnosed till i was 19. 

We both live in england. 

Difference is, he doesn't go to a sleep clinic....
He self diagnosed himself
And his GP 'hadn't even heard of it, but just goes by what i say...'

Now, in your honest opinion, am i on to something here or am i just being paranoid?

I am the sound of love's arriving
Echoed softly on the sand
Lay your head upon my shoulder
Lay your hand within my hand
I give you all that I am


Mar. 10th, 2012 12:32 am
arcadia28: 4 (6)

I found a mailing list years ago with i first got diagnosed with n24, that was basically run by people who had either the same or similar condition. This over the years has helped me less alone and given me support and advice. I have also become very much involved with an organisation that sprung out from it in the US. This has helped me have some purpose in my life and ive written a couple of articles for them.

But recently there has been a guy from the uk on the list who claims he has n24 and has approached me about my benefits. What ones do i have, what medical references do i use. He also asked if he could have a copy of one of my hospital letters that explain about my condition but with the personal details taken out. I didnt like that idea and said no. I felt that he wouldve just stuck his name on it and used it for his claim. I gave him a vague description of what was included and told him he should really get his GP to refer him to a proper sleep specialist (he didnt say anythig back about this).

He then also tried to worry me into saying that his claim got denied and i mau have the same problem especially with the asessment interview and they are trying to get as many people back into work as possible. And what to expect. This of course distressed me. Apparently he's won his tribunal by giving an emotional plea of wanting to work. Something i have said many a time in posts, that i think he has used. I do think hes a fraudster looking to get benefits with putting the minimalist work into it. I think he has scoured the list and thought, oh this will be easy. Hes already managed to get some melatonin that i take and he says he can only use it in short durations occasionally. Otherwise he feels sick. I know that if a regular person takes melatonin who doesnt have any sleep problems this can cause a prrson to feel sick as there would be too much melatonin in your body.

It makes me angry that someone can use this condition as an excuse to do little work. To get 'free' money. And to think that hes actually won makes me feel sick.

Im think im going to notify people on the list that i think theres a fraudster on the list and look into the message archive to see if im right and what evidence there is.

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arcadia28: 4 (1)

The bbc are looking to do a show about sleep, another one. And they're looking for people with extreme sleep disorder to take part.

DAH-DAHHH  that'll be me then :D

I've filled out the application and have emailed it off, so fingers crossed they'll be interested in including me. :)

Oh and in other news, me and ben looking at mooring fees and it's just too high. So we're back at looking at flats and houses. We've widened our search areas to include Bristol. 

I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance
arcadia28: 4 (Default)
i reported to incidents to my local police, the same group came back tonight, they stood there for 2 hours just chatting shit and being annoying. It looked like they were discussing something, and one demonstrated moving a 'bike' from around the corner. Bens bike, which they were interested in before. Every single week they keep on coming round, me and my neighbours are really so sick of it. 

Also me and ben were looking at living on a houseboat, but you can't get a normal mortgage for it, you would have to get a special mortgage which you need a big deposit for. ugh. there just seems to be nothing about in the areas we're looking at. 
arcadia28: 4 (Default)
They would probably throw stuff at me and open the kitchen door when it's closed. [Error: unknown template qotd]

Far Away

Mar. 3rd, 2012 09:19 am
arcadia28: 4 (6)

Yeovil or weymouth are the two places I'm willing to travel to to live with ben if we were to move closer to his hometown of cornwall.

I feel that cornwall which is over 4 hours away (by car) is a bit of a too bigger jump for me to do from living here in my hometown, in which the furthest I've lived away have beeb a couple of towns away and even then i didn't like (though to be fair it was rough where i lived and i was very much alone).

Weymouth and yeovil are both equal distances from there to cornwall or surrey. So i would live two hours away from family and friends here and ben would also live two hours away from his family in cornwall. I think this would be an excellent compromise and its not all one way in favour of one person. I know he misses being back in cornwall and feels like a fish out of water here, but at the same time i would feel the exactly the same way if i lived there.

I was thinking that we could have a couple of weekends away to visit the areas and decide which we like best and has the better potential for us. I would like somewhere close to a lot of shops and where theres a lot of social things going on (lots of groups and clubs to join) - as my priority would be to make friends and have some sort of social life so I'm not housebound all the time - which is a fear I've got of happening again. And for ben it would be about if theres many branches of screwfix there or if theres other job potentials there for him. And obviously our joint priority is for it to be a nice, clean and quiet area.

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Who Knew

Mar. 2nd, 2012 11:36 pm
arcadia28: 4 (5)

I got a letter the other day from the benefit people. My benefits are changing, and guess what, i'm gonna be passed over to employment and support allowance (ESA) and i'll have no choice in the matter, it's that or nothing. 

So i'm having to fill out a questionnaire and hope for the best. 

I've calmed down alot from it, and am in a better frame of mind about it. You can't fight change, it's just the way of life and you have to roll with the waves. 

But it did come at the worst time, i boiler broke down and so i was without heating and hot water for a couple of days. It's all fixed now, but was hard. 

Then i ran out of my meds, and so had to try and book an emergency phonecall with the doc to get them to write a perscription for me, and typically i get the receptionist with a bad attitude, eventually i fought an appointment out of her. And then my phone played out when the doc called, eventually i did get through and i was out shopping and was informed i had 5 mins to get there to pick it up before the surgery closes. So we dashed out of there, and luckily for me a couple were being let out and a nice lady from reception let me in to collect it. 

After that Ben treated me to a meal at our local Wimpy, which was really nice and i started to de-stress. 

So all in all a very ARGH couple of days, but it seems to be all fine now. Just waiting for the questionnaire form :/

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right
arcadia28: 4 (Default)
My blasted sofa!!!! For about 2 months now i've been trying to get rid of it by asking if charity shops want it, putting on gumtree, putting it on ebay oh and trying to persuade people i know or just met to take my sofa!! 

ARRRRGGGHHH!!![Error: unknown template qotd]
arcadia28: 4 (Default)
I would like some no-name actress who feels an affinity to the part. The plot would be based on the book i'm writing about my battle with N24, which is a extremely rare neurological sleep condition. It's like living by playing russian roulette every day about when you can go to sleep and when you will be able to wake up. It affects alot of daily life you wouldn't automatically think about, anything planned in advance is up to chance whether it's gonna happen or not. Simple things like doctors appointments, work, jury service, booking hotels and holidays, booking tickets for show and concerts, seeing family and friends, driving lessons, etc. Alarm clocks do nothing, nor do sleeping tablets. [Error: unknown template qotd]
arcadia28: 4 (Default)

Ive still got writers block lol erm, i helped ben write his work presentation. He also treated me to a bath, by which he decorated the bathroom in candles and put a pink blanket across the window to create a subtle glow, it was really nice and very relaxing, it was very difficult to get me out of there lol. It did really help my mood though. And ive come to reflect of my struggle at the mo with the depressing view of my future. I have come to realise that though my condition and circumstances may never change, the benefit system does. I live in hope that something will turn up to change my life for the better and help me live a better future than i forsee for myself at the moment.

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Feb. 26th, 2012 04:51 pm
arcadia28: 4 (Default)

Bens wing mirror has been nicked. Its official - i hate this area! To think that someone has done that, to take from someone, just because you want to or think its funny is frankly disgusting! Im seeing the positive though, this must be a sign of better things to come. Its always darkest before the dawn.

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arcadia28: 4 (Default)

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