Feb. 26th, 2012

arcadia28: 4 (7)



I'm experiencing writers block at the mo, so bear with. 

There's alot i need to get off my chest atm. I feel really upset, depressed and muddled up inside. I feel like there is no hope for my future. I will never be able to live with Ben. If we moved into i would lose all my income support benefit (which is the only income i get) and i would lose housing benefit. He would have to pay for EVERYTHING. If i wanted to go out and see a friend for a cup of coffee, i would have to ask him for the money to do so, if i needed to get a new pair of shoes, i would have to go to him to ask for the money. I would always be like a teenager, going to my parent to ask for some pocket money. All my independance that i have aquired would be stripped from me. I'm not eligable for DLA because i don't fall under mobility or care sections. I don't know if i'm eligable for ESA because i'm on income support and would have to come off of it to find out if i would be eligable, which leaves me nothing to pay for my bills. Literally £0. Even then if i was, i don't know if i would get enough to cover the costs of my bills. I'm stuck. There is actually no hope for my future whatsoever. It makes me question what is the use of my exsistence. I can never marry or have children or even live with a partner. I can't even drive because i can't afford to. I have tried so hard to find some sort of work that i can manage, but there isn't anything. Everything requires you to start and finish at set times, something my disorder doesn't allow me to do. I hate the feeling of russian roulette at night about what time i will be able to sleep and what time i will be able to wake up. And then to get shitty people tell me to invest in a alarm clock, as if i hadn't tried that already countless times. Either i sleep straight through them or they wake me up and i can't function right for the entire day. In the old days of forcing myself up, i remember going shopping with my mum and having the security guard question me about was i drunk? I was only saved by my mum telling him about my condition, that he let me go. I couldn't even cross a street without supervision, because of the countless times i would walk out into the road and not notice approaching cars. That is what i mean by can't function right, i put myself and sometimes others in danger. Like one morning for some reason i decided to turn the oven on and didn't turn it off, the smoke alarm went off and my boyfriend at the time had to turn it off and open all the windows to let the smoke out and i was sent back to bed. 

I'm better now though, because i take Melatonin at night to help me sleep, so if i do have to get up for a specific time it's not as bad as it was. I still struggle and some mornings have to have assistance with things, but mostly i'm cohorent and alert enough for the tasks of the day. The problem being though is that it doesnt always work, it's not reliable. 

Breathing

Feb. 26th, 2012 04:51 pm
arcadia28: 4 (Default)

Bens wing mirror has been nicked. Its official - i hate this area! To think that someone has done that, to take from someone, just because you want to or think its funny is frankly disgusting! Im seeing the positive though, this must be a sign of better things to come. Its always darkest before the dawn.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

arcadia28: 4 (Default)

Ive still got writers block lol erm, i helped ben write his work presentation. He also treated me to a bath, by which he decorated the bathroom in candles and put a pink blanket across the window to create a subtle glow, it was really nice and very relaxing, it was very difficult to get me out of there lol. It did really help my mood though. And ive come to reflect of my struggle at the mo with the depressing view of my future. I have come to realise that though my condition and circumstances may never change, the benefit system does. I live in hope that something will turn up to change my life for the better and help me live a better future than i forsee for myself at the moment.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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arcadia28

November 2012

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